"What Is It Like to Be a Teen Girl" Part 3 by Angie Salzmann, MA, LPC

What Is It Like to Be a Teen Girl, Part 3….

By Angie Salzmann MA, LPC

 I was once told that shame is just the name for the feeling that makes you want to curl up in the corner and disappear.  Until that point, I had been struggling with what made the idea of shame so powerful.  I had struggled to understand why the strong men and women who came into my office were so emotionally torn apart by their own shame, especially when that shame resulted from the actions of someone else.

In my work, the concept of shame is becoming central to my understanding of young women’s experiences in our society.  Fredrickson and Roberts (1997) tell us that shame is the name for that displeasureable emotion people experience when they compare themselves to an idea that is believed to be ideal, find themselves lacking in a certain regard, and then, conclude that they, as people rather than in behavior, are inadequate and that this inadequacy might be exposed to others.

As a matter of example, picture the harrowing scenario of shopping for a bathing suit with a young woman.  Few articles of clothing expose more to the public than does a swimsuit.  Therefore, finding one that displays the body in a way that is pleasing to the wearer often proves quite difficult.  The shopper has many options for displaying her most favored features and hiding those in disfavor, yet the process may end in tears. 

For some, it might be difficult to understand what could be so upsetting about a shopping trip that it would cause a young woman to cry.  Rather than focusing on the outlet of emotions here, look to the images portrayed in magazines, television, and movies. Through these media, a certain ideal of beauty is presented, yet it is achieved only through the skillful use of digital enhancement (Fleming, 2012).  If then, we teach our young women to identify with their bodies as the entirety of their beings only to provide them with a standard for beauty that they cannot possibly attain, we lead them straight down the road to shame (Slater & Tiggemann, 2002).  This shame, in turn, “generates an intense desire to hide, to escape the painful gaze of others, or to disappear, alongside feelings of worthlessness and powerlessness” (Fredrickson & Roberts, 1997).

Shame, fear, worthlessness, and powerlessness all seem to run together in the things people tell me in my office.  Each day, I watch people grab the pillows on my couch and hug them tight to their bodies as if to hide behind the cushion as they tell me about how they “don’t measure up.”  Of course, it is my job to help them change their perception.

It seems to me that a significant aspect of the difficulties that our young women are facing lies in the fact that our society promotes self-objectification (Fredrickson & Roberts, 1997).  Young women are often encouraged to internalize others’ views of themselves and become increasingly aware of their bodies through such activities as ballet, beauty pageants, and cheerleading (Szymanski, Moffit & Carr, 2011).  In this process, I often see young women lose their own voices.  They focus so much on what others say they ought to be or how they ought to behave that they cannot identify what it is that they think, want, or believe.

Given all of this information, one of the logical resulting questions may be, “How do we change this?”  Personally, I have maintain two primary thoughts: first, I maintain the importance of listening and encouraging others to have a voice even if the hearer disagrees; second, appreciate beauty in a variety of forms.  Appreciating beauty is fairly simple, actually.  Rather than looking for what is lacking, we make a conscious effort to look for what is beautiful.  When beauty is the focus, flaws fade before our eyes.  When it comes to listening, the challenge is a bit greater.  We will not always agree with anyone, but our agreement with any person has no bearing regarding whether or not that person has a right to say what he or she believes.  This holds true for our young people.  When we listen to them, we encourage their blossoming voices and we combat shame.  While listening is not always easy, it certainly can be rewarding.

 References 

Fredrickson, B., & Roberts, T. (1997). Objectification theory: Toward understanding

women’s lived experiences and mental health risks. Psychology of Women

Quarterly, 21, 173-206.

Slater, A., & Tiggemann, M. (2002).  A test of objectification theory in adolescent

girls.  Sex Roles, 46, 342-349.

Szymanski, D., Moffitt, L., & Carr, E. (2011).  Sexual objectification of women:

Advances to theory and research.  The Counseling Psychologist, 39(1), 6-38.